Monday morning 9-5

There is something oppressive about the routine of a 9-5 job, a 9-5 week, a 9-5 life. I'm frightened of getting old - it's one of my biggest fears, and there is a feeling, when I am creeping like snail unwillingly to school on a Monday that life is accelerating in some way and my amount of spare time in which to accomplish anything is precious and small.

I do feel as though the "demos" I am producing at home are better than ever - there is a sense of improving as a song writer and arranger - I feel as though I am at a level as a performer where I can entertain, even standing on my own on a stage - these are extremely fulfilling - and yet there is also a feeling growing that one of my biggest problems is procrastination. Read "he is waiting for something".

Other people my age are marrying and buying houses and settling into their careers. I don't envy them their 9-5 existence any more than I envy myself for doing it and telling myself it's just temporary, but this morning I feel as though I am wandering around behind the starting grid 30 seconds after the gun has gone off and watching the other runners (read "the other musicians") recede into the distance, when I should be running like hell towards the finishing line. Do I believe I couldn't beat them? Do I believe they're better writers or performers than me? No. My self-belief is as strong as it's ever been.

I think I'm just suffering from that malaise where good musicians don't even bother to try, and then they tell themselves it's the environment. "It's too difficult….there's just too many musicians out there…it's so hard to get people to come to gigs…record label people only like this or that". I heard a great expression for people who tell you this stuff (and this applies to whatever it is you want to do - for me it's be a massive rockstar) - they are "emotional vampires".

I know all the theory about achieving your potential, I know all the stuff about "it's never the environment" (I've read a lot of books to try and spur myself into action) - but it can be difficult to shake yourself out of that negative mindset.

My output - a 6 song mini-album in 2005 and a 4 song EP last May. Does that really represent me? Are they the only songs I have? HARDLY - hence the drive to make an album. I suspect the album will be different then people might expect - darker - more varied, less happy strummed acoustic guitar - whether anyone buys it I only have limited control over - but my psychology on this (correct me if I'm wrong) - is that if I wait around for "a band to come together" or cheap studio time or any of the 50 things I could wait around for (or have always been waiting around for) - it will never happen.

So maybe I will just go for it - a bedroom album in the spirit of 'from the attic' - which I am quite proud of in part - it may not be beautifully produced - but I will be able to indulge myself and maybe create something unique and interesting enough to catch a few people's ears. And if a few people can fall in love with it, then there is still hope for me.

Adam Smith

http://www.adamsmithmusic.co.uk
http://www.myspace.com/adamsmithuk

mailto:mail@adamsmithmusic.co.uk